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2007-08-01 - 3:17 p.m.

drinking too much wine and coffee lately, but of course it's the coffee that really does it to me. i need to cut it out.

girded up the mental energy and tried to be brave the other night, the result of which is a little 'break' in sept. after his show in la so that we both can have a little clarity on things. i feel sort of awful about this, but every time my mind goes there i remind myself that: he does not want to marry me and may never want to marry me; i want to get married at some pt. and have kids; i want to be with someone who is dying to be with me forever; he is not ready and may never be.

we've been together 8 years and enough is enough already.

this doesn't mean it won't be hard, but i have to do this otherwise i will compromise important things that i want, and make it worse for myself down the road. i can't exist in this stagancy; it is killing me.

the sad thing is that i was so truly into my relationship when we moved here last spring. i thought i was ready, and all the doubts had fallen away at last. but as time went on, and he so clearly was not making any move toward a permanent commitment (in fact, seemed so fearful of it), i got angry, resentful, depressed, unhappy, irritated ... and it's not that he doesn't love me (i don't think) or v.v., but that he is afraid and can't seem to bear the thought of moving into the next phase of his life. i don't really understand it, but there it is.

but seriously: what is his problem?

now i feel sad, and a little relieved, and strange, and we are still together now, anyway, at least until then. i guess i envision the outcome as being a permanent breakup, but maybe i will be surprised.

whatever happens is for the best. i truly do believe this, and must remind myself of it when i slip.


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